Report from Extraordinary Plenary Session of the Conclave:

The Caledonian Conclave, deeply saddened by urgent reports of rampant heresy among professed brothers of our Order, held an extraordinary session on this day in order to consider which methods should be adopted to contain this most disturbing trend. The Most Reverend Father Laphroaig, Grand Inquisitor of our Order, presided over this solemn assembly. Among the several heresies considered were the so-called "blended scotch" school of thought, and the especially pernicious "pure malt" sect.

After a spirited debate between the several members of our chapter, it was resolved that only the most forceful measures would adequately protect the true expression of the Spirit against the false teachings of these heretical sects. The sect known as "blended scotch," because it perpetrates the worst and most intense perversion of the true nature of the Spirit, will be dealt with most severely. Anyone of our brothers convicted of owing allegiance to that apostasy, will be cast out of our Order. Because the "pure malt" sect represents an especially subtle and insidious attack upon the true nature of the Spirit, it will be dealt with through rigorous teaching and monitoring. Every one of our brothers will be required to know and recognize the inherent falsehood of that expression.

Grand Inquisitor, the Most Reverend Father Laphroaig, expressed himself satisfied with these initial measures, although expressing his profound worry that their leniency might prove insufficient to stamp out the danger to our Order. He suggested that something lingering, with boiling oil in it, might prove more appropriate. It was, therefore, resolved that the conclave should reconvene in a month in order to consider the initial effect of these new measures.

Spiritum Laudamus
Fr. Islay, Official Conclave Recorder