The following is a reprint of the text of a letter from Cardinal Laphroaig to the Grand Master of the Knights of Malt.
Dearest Friend,
I am deeply indebted to you and your fellow knights for the, shall we say, subtle influence you wielded to encourage the College of Cardinals to grant my nomination. We who are the true defenders of the Spirit are in accord as to the goals we must pursue to maintain the Truth.
As you yourself have revealed, the College has become unsettled and has begun to stray from true faith in the Spirit; this must be stopped and the damage repaired.
For centuries the Knights have charted the path of true righteousness under the direction of the Spirit. Have I not myself seen and heard the discussions, attended the conclaves and committed myself to the goals of your Order? My own secret membership in the Knights, which would put me in direct opposition to the College were it known, attests to my commitment to our shared ideals. We follow the same path.
I believe that after a millenia of careful planning and hard work success may be within our grasp.
Many members of the College have confided in me that they are unhappy with the direction their august body has taken. They, like us, believe that only the perfection of the Spirit is acceptable and the ecumenical approach to so-called 'pure' and 'blended' malts is unseemly and heretical. You know my work as the Grand Inquisitor of the Monastery of Malt sometimes made me the unhappy target of the unholy who would adulterate that which we hold sacred. I believe my persecutions, as minimal as they may have been, were in the best cause possible; my scars are my glory.
I must end here, however abruptly. The College has scheduled my investiture for this hour and I must present myself for formal approval.
Please meet me at the appointed hour at St. Ardbeg's. The robust monks there, however prone they may be to shedding their robes at the slightest provocation, are our friends and will share with us a dram of the Spirit while we plan our movements within the College. These are troubled times dear friend and we must work assiduously to serve the Spirit.
Your brother in arms,
Laphroaig
Wednesday, August 30
Thursday, August 24
The following is an internal memo leaked from the Administrative arm of the Knights of Malt. Guardians of the Caledonian Conclave disavow any claims to the accuracy or truth of the contents.
"Dear Brother Knights,
We have an historic opportunity to place within the College of Cardinals one with whom we can agree in thought, spirit and deed. The Most Reverend Father Laphroaig may be elected to the College if we suggest to the proper individuals our support for such an election. But we must act quickly.
Clearly the character of the College has been sullied by those who would advocate an ecumenical approach to the Spirit, which is a position untenable to those who believe as we do. The election of the Most Reverend Father would be our opportunity to purge the College of such elements. Our support for Father Laphroaig must be of another sort, however. No word of our true intentions must reach the advocates who would bring the nomination to the full College. They mustn't know of our desire to replace soft, or impure, members with those who agree with our position regarding the purity of the Spirit. We must encourage the College, quietly, to anoint Father Laphroaig as one who will assist the members in their efforts to broaden or, in our minds, dilute the great truth.
We believe that with the election of our ally, the College can be re-aligned with the Knights. Politically (a word which we loathe, but see the need for) this would give us the opportunity to influence the Holy Father and bring the ranks of the Laity back into true communion with the Spirit. We believe this is the only way for true believers. All others are heretics.
Don't be swayed by those who believe that the Spirit may include the blended or so-called 'pure' malts. This too is a heresy. They will argue passionately, but you must turn a deaf ear to their entreaties. The way of the Spirit demands it.
Each of us has contacts within the College who will listen to us. Please encourage those sympathetic to the Knights to elect Father Laphroaig to this venerable College. This is a rare and important opportunity to move the Cardinals into alignment with our historic goals. Many years have passed as we have made our plans to plot the path of the Body - our time is now.
Do not let this moment pass.
Spiritum Laudamus
"Dear Brother Knights,
We have an historic opportunity to place within the College of Cardinals one with whom we can agree in thought, spirit and deed. The Most Reverend Father Laphroaig may be elected to the College if we suggest to the proper individuals our support for such an election. But we must act quickly.
Clearly the character of the College has been sullied by those who would advocate an ecumenical approach to the Spirit, which is a position untenable to those who believe as we do. The election of the Most Reverend Father would be our opportunity to purge the College of such elements. Our support for Father Laphroaig must be of another sort, however. No word of our true intentions must reach the advocates who would bring the nomination to the full College. They mustn't know of our desire to replace soft, or impure, members with those who agree with our position regarding the purity of the Spirit. We must encourage the College, quietly, to anoint Father Laphroaig as one who will assist the members in their efforts to broaden or, in our minds, dilute the great truth.
We believe that with the election of our ally, the College can be re-aligned with the Knights. Politically (a word which we loathe, but see the need for) this would give us the opportunity to influence the Holy Father and bring the ranks of the Laity back into true communion with the Spirit. We believe this is the only way for true believers. All others are heretics.
Don't be swayed by those who believe that the Spirit may include the blended or so-called 'pure' malts. This too is a heresy. They will argue passionately, but you must turn a deaf ear to their entreaties. The way of the Spirit demands it.
Each of us has contacts within the College who will listen to us. Please encourage those sympathetic to the Knights to elect Father Laphroaig to this venerable College. This is a rare and important opportunity to move the Cardinals into alignment with our historic goals. Many years have passed as we have made our plans to plot the path of the Body - our time is now.
Do not let this moment pass.
Spiritum Laudamus
The College of Cardinals is pleased to announce the promotion of the Most Reverend Father Laphroaig, Grand Inquisitor of the Caledonian Conclave, to the position of Blessed Cardinal. The College, aware of Father Laphroaig's profound commitment to the purity of the Spirit, have chosen to add his name to the rolls of those who defend the Faith and give advice and comfort to our Holy Father.
Father Laphroaig has shown himself worthy of the title through his efforts to maintain the holiness of the bretheren and demonstrate through word and deed the straight and narrow way that leads to true sanctification. The College applauds the Most Reverend Father and looks forward to his contributions to the work of the Spirit.
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