The following is a reprint of the text of a letter from Cardinal Laphroaig to the Grand Master of the Knights of Malt.

Dearest Friend,

I am deeply indebted to you and your fellow knights for the, shall we say, subtle influence you wielded to encourage the College of Cardinals to grant my nomination. We who are the true defenders of the Spirit are in accord as to the goals we must pursue to maintain the Truth.

As you yourself have revealed, the College has become unsettled and has begun to stray from true faith in the Spirit; this must be stopped and the damage repaired.

For centuries the Knights have charted the path of true righteousness under the direction of the Spirit. Have I not myself seen and heard the discussions, attended the conclaves and committed myself to the goals of your Order? My own secret membership in the Knights, which would put me in direct opposition to the College were it known, attests to my commitment to our shared ideals. We follow the same path.

I believe that after a millenia of careful planning and hard work success may be within our grasp.

Many members of the College have confided in me that they are unhappy with the direction their august body has taken. They, like us, believe that only the perfection of the Spirit is acceptable and the ecumenical approach to so-called 'pure' and 'blended' malts is unseemly and heretical. You know my work as the Grand Inquisitor of the Monastery of Malt sometimes made me the unhappy target of the unholy who would adulterate that which we hold sacred. I believe my persecutions, as minimal as they may have been, were in the best cause possible; my scars are my glory.

I must end here, however abruptly. The College has scheduled my investiture for this hour and I must present myself for formal approval.

Please meet me at the appointed hour at St. Ardbeg's. The robust monks there, however prone they may be to shedding their robes at the slightest provocation, are our friends and will share with us a dram of the Spirit while we plan our movements within the College. These are troubled times dear friend and we must work assiduously to serve the Spirit.

Your brother in arms,

Laphroaig