The following is an internal memo leaked from the Administrative arm of the Knights of Malt. Guardians of the Caledonian Conclave disavow any claims to the accuracy or truth of the contents.

"Dear Brother Knights,

We have an historic opportunity to place within the College of Cardinals one with whom we can agree in thought, spirit and deed. The Most Reverend Father Laphroaig may be elected to the College if we suggest to the proper individuals our support for such an election. But we must act quickly.

Clearly the character of the College has been sullied by those who would advocate an ecumenical approach to the Spirit, which is a position untenable to those who believe as we do. The election of the Most Reverend Father would be our opportunity to purge the College of such elements. Our support for Father Laphroaig must be of another sort, however. No word of our true intentions must reach the advocates who would bring the nomination to the full College. They mustn't know of our desire to replace soft, or impure, members with those who agree with our position regarding the purity of the Spirit. We must encourage the College, quietly, to anoint Father Laphroaig as one who will assist the members in their efforts to broaden or, in our minds, dilute the great truth.

We believe that with the election of our ally, the College can be re-aligned with the Knights. Politically (a word which we loathe, but see the need for) this would give us the opportunity to influence the Holy Father and bring the ranks of the Laity back into true communion with the Spirit. We believe this is the only way for true believers. All others are heretics.

Don't be swayed by those who believe that the Spirit may include the blended or so-called 'pure' malts. This too is a heresy. They will argue passionately, but you must turn a deaf ear to their entreaties. The way of the Spirit demands it.

Each of us has contacts within the College who will listen to us. Please encourage those sympathetic to the Knights to elect Father Laphroaig to this venerable College. This is a rare and important opportunity to move the Cardinals into alignment with our historic goals. Many years have passed as we have made our plans to plot the path of the Body - our time is now.

Do not let this moment pass.

Spiritum Laudamus