Open Letter by Cardinal Laphroaig to the Caledonian Conclave, Opus Barlei, and the Knights of Malt.

The following letter appears in the October edition of Moved by the Spirit, the well-known religious magazine available at all reputable dram-shops. It is reprinted here verbatim as a public service to all faithful.

Cathedral of St. Talisker by-the-Bog, 22 September 2006

Dearest Brothers and Sisters,

It is with the utmost sincerity and in a spirit of openness and communion that I take up the pen to address you in these fractious times. I am aware that my elevation to Cardinal has taken many by surprise, and pernicious rumors have been spread as a result. My election has been credited to the covert support of the Knights of Malt—a most holy and peaceful order whose devotion to the Spirit has never before been questioned. Hints have been made of collusion between our brothers of Opus Barlei and the Hibernian separatists—whose tendency to worship a triple-distilled concoction, claimed by some to be a manifestation of the Spirit, has long since been dismissed as mere idolatry. None of these rumors are true, and I reaffirm my commitment to dialogue with all branches and orders of our faith.

Openness, communion, and dialogue: these shall be my guiding principles as our faith navigates the treacherous shoals that lie ahead. But by openness, I do not mean foolish credulity. By communion, I do not mean collusion with heretics. And by dialogue, I do not mean abject submission. You are of course aware, dear brothers and sisters, that the College of Cardinals is currently engaged in a vigorous scholarly debate on ecumenism. Throughout that debate, I will vigorously challenge our brethren to remain true to the Spirit, to ignore the lure of modernism and ephemeral trends, and to seek the true ecumenism: that which will lead those who are lost to find the one true Spirit. Such is the task that lies ahead, and I know that I can count on your faithful support.

Spiritum Laudamus,

Laphroaig