CONCLAVE TO ASSUME CIVIL AUTHORITY UNTIL ORDER RESTORED
Knights of Malt to Take Over Police Powers
Lord Chief Justice McCheney
THE RECENT CIVIL UNREST, caused by an upsurge of blended-whisky sales during the holiday season, has led the Caledonian Conclave to recommend radical measures to help stamp out the spreading fire of heresy. With the full backing of the lawfully elected authorities and several prominent distillers, his Eminence Cardinal Laphroaig has assumed full executive power until such time as order is restored. Lord Chief Justice McCheney has already issued numerous general warrants and writs of assistance, authorising the Knights of Malt to assume police powers and search homes for impure or adulterated spirits.
In the words of the Lord Chief Justice himself, "these measures are a no-brainer." He went on to explain that "any spirits that the Knights decide to be heretical will be thrown into bonfires and their owners punished to the fullest extent of the law -- and even beyond." Due Process will be protected, however: any complaint can be submitted in Latin and in triplicate between Wednesday and Thursday of next week to a panel of politically beholden, doddering old judges appointed by Cardinal Laphroaig. Cases will be heard at undisclosed locations without press intervention at times determined at the whim of the justices. "We will stand down when the civil authorities stand up," reassured his Eminence.
The Conclave urges the civilian population to be calm and cooperate to the fullest extent, and to turn up at their local offices at the earliest opportunity to take an oath of loyalty to the Conclave and receive the stamp of Conclave protection. We hope that the authority of the One True Spirit will soon be restored.
Happy Christmas,
Fr. Dougal, Conclave Spokesman
Knights of Malt to Take Over Police Powers
Lord Chief Justice McCheney
THE RECENT CIVIL UNREST, caused by an upsurge of blended-whisky sales during the holiday season, has led the Caledonian Conclave to recommend radical measures to help stamp out the spreading fire of heresy. With the full backing of the lawfully elected authorities and several prominent distillers, his Eminence Cardinal Laphroaig has assumed full executive power until such time as order is restored. Lord Chief Justice McCheney has already issued numerous general warrants and writs of assistance, authorising the Knights of Malt to assume police powers and search homes for impure or adulterated spirits.
In the words of the Lord Chief Justice himself, "these measures are a no-brainer." He went on to explain that "any spirits that the Knights decide to be heretical will be thrown into bonfires and their owners punished to the fullest extent of the law -- and even beyond." Due Process will be protected, however: any complaint can be submitted in Latin and in triplicate between Wednesday and Thursday of next week to a panel of politically beholden, doddering old judges appointed by Cardinal Laphroaig. Cases will be heard at undisclosed locations without press intervention at times determined at the whim of the justices. "We will stand down when the civil authorities stand up," reassured his Eminence.
The Conclave urges the civilian population to be calm and cooperate to the fullest extent, and to turn up at their local offices at the earliest opportunity to take an oath of loyalty to the Conclave and receive the stamp of Conclave protection. We hope that the authority of the One True Spirit will soon be restored.
Happy Christmas,
Fr. Dougal, Conclave Spokesman
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