Archbishop Jock Glenmorangie's office is referring all inquiries into the status of Cardinal Laphroaig to the following statement issued by St. Ardbeg's Hospital for the Terminally Befuddled. Updates will be issued by the press office of the Hospital as events warrant.

St. Ardbeg's

LORD CHIEF JUSTICE REMOVED, CARDINAL LAPHROAIG MISSING
Wildest rumors fly as civil authorities reassert power

AN UNEASY CALM has descended upon Jamesonburgh after nightfall, as families huddle in fear inside their homes. The streets are deserted, and not even the Knights of Malt -- omnipresent a few hours ago -- are to be seen. The last embers of the bonfires set by the knights still cast an eerie glow throughout the lifeless town, and dead bodies lie in many a dark corner amongst the staves of shattered casks.

It is reported that the civil authorities are back in control after this afternoon's unrest. Lord Chief Justice McCheney has been removed from his post and the writs of assistance and general warrants issued by him declared void. Officially, the Lord Chief Justice's sudden removal had nothing to do with his controversial decisions, but was simply due to his having accepted an appointment as the United Nation's new Commissioner for Human Rights. A government press release in fact hailed Lord McCheney as "this country's best Chief Justice in History" and praised his "intellectual ability and moral flexibility."

More troubling are reports that Cardinal Laphroaig --the public face of this afternoon's energetic repression -- has disappeared. The wildest rumors are connected with his absence, some even claiming that His Eminence was in fact a secret devotee of blended malts and has fled to a rebel monastery in the Hebrides. Several eyewitnesses also claim to have seen Cardinal Laphroaig being transported to St. Ardbeg's Hospital in a blacked-out ambulance. At this time, however, it is impossible to corroborate any of these reports.

Archbishop Jock Glenmorangie has assumed acting authority until Cardinal Laphroaig can be located. Monsignor Glenmorangie is known as a reformer, and his rapid appointment has been taken as a sign that the Caledonian Conclave is eager for compromise in the wake of today's unrest. He has expressed his eagerness to return control to the civil authorities, along with his respect for church - state separation. "The Conclave is above all a congregation of the faithful, and has never desired to interefere in purely political matters. I will willingly cooperate with the government in reassuring the population that recent abuses will not be repeated." Monsignor Glenmorangie even mentioned that "some of his best friends drink blended malts."

More reports will be filed as the news develops.

ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!

Sketchy reports are beginning to arrive in newsrooms around the city concerning a mass assault on Jamesonburgh by the Knights of Malt. Personally supervised by Cardinal Laphroaig, the Knights are rousting entire families from their homes in the middle of the night and ransacking cellars in search of adulterated whiskies. Families - fathers, mothers and even children - are being rounded up and drowned in barrels of contraband blended-malt. Some accounts indicate that bystanders have reported barrels of the banned liquor being trucked into neighborhoods and planted in basements for Knights to 'discover.'

The mayor of Jamesonburgh has protested to His Eminence's superiors and efforts are being made to contact the Cardinal for clarification of this pogrom against the rebel community. The Caledonian Conclave vehemently denies these reports and urges people to remain calm as the situation develops and reports continue to arrive: "We believe fully in the integrity of His Eminence and trust the discretion and honor of the Order of the Knights of Malt. No one under the authority of this Conclave could be responsible for the reprehensible behavior falsely reported by trouble-makers and heretics hidden amongst our faithful followers. We ask that true believers in the Spirit deny this gossip when and wherever it is repeated."

CONCLAVE TO ASSUME CIVIL AUTHORITY UNTIL ORDER RESTORED
Knights of Malt to Take Over Police Powers

Lord Chief Justice McCheney


THE RECENT CIVIL UNREST, caused by an upsurge of blended-whisky sales during the holiday season, has led the Caledonian Conclave to recommend radical measures to help stamp out the spreading fire of heresy. With the full backing of the lawfully elected authorities and several prominent distillers, his Eminence Cardinal Laphroaig has assumed full executive power until such time as order is restored. Lord Chief Justice McCheney has already issued numerous general warrants and writs of assistance, authorising the Knights of Malt to assume police powers and search homes for impure or adulterated spirits.

In the words of the Lord Chief Justice himself, "these measures are a no-brainer." He went on to explain that "any spirits that the Knights decide to be heretical will be thrown into bonfires and their owners punished to the fullest extent of the law -- and even beyond." Due Process will be protected, however: any complaint can be submitted in Latin and in triplicate between Wednesday and Thursday of next week to a panel of politically beholden, doddering old judges appointed by Cardinal Laphroaig. Cases will be heard at undisclosed locations without press intervention at times determined at the whim of the justices. "We will stand down when the civil authorities stand up," reassured his Eminence.

The Conclave urges the civilian population to be calm and cooperate to the fullest extent, and to turn up at their local offices at the earliest opportunity to take an oath of loyalty to the Conclave and receive the stamp of Conclave protection. We hope that the authority of the One True Spirit will soon be restored.

Happy Christmas,

Fr. Dougal, Conclave Spokesman