LORD CHIEF JUSTICE REMOVED, CARDINAL LAPHROAIG MISSING
Wildest rumors fly as civil authorities reassert power

AN UNEASY CALM has descended upon Jamesonburgh after nightfall, as families huddle in fear inside their homes. The streets are deserted, and not even the Knights of Malt -- omnipresent a few hours ago -- are to be seen. The last embers of the bonfires set by the knights still cast an eerie glow throughout the lifeless town, and dead bodies lie in many a dark corner amongst the staves of shattered casks.

It is reported that the civil authorities are back in control after this afternoon's unrest. Lord Chief Justice McCheney has been removed from his post and the writs of assistance and general warrants issued by him declared void. Officially, the Lord Chief Justice's sudden removal had nothing to do with his controversial decisions, but was simply due to his having accepted an appointment as the United Nation's new Commissioner for Human Rights. A government press release in fact hailed Lord McCheney as "this country's best Chief Justice in History" and praised his "intellectual ability and moral flexibility."

More troubling are reports that Cardinal Laphroaig --the public face of this afternoon's energetic repression -- has disappeared. The wildest rumors are connected with his absence, some even claiming that His Eminence was in fact a secret devotee of blended malts and has fled to a rebel monastery in the Hebrides. Several eyewitnesses also claim to have seen Cardinal Laphroaig being transported to St. Ardbeg's Hospital in a blacked-out ambulance. At this time, however, it is impossible to corroborate any of these reports.

Archbishop Jock Glenmorangie has assumed acting authority until Cardinal Laphroaig can be located. Monsignor Glenmorangie is known as a reformer, and his rapid appointment has been taken as a sign that the Caledonian Conclave is eager for compromise in the wake of today's unrest. He has expressed his eagerness to return control to the civil authorities, along with his respect for church - state separation. "The Conclave is above all a congregation of the faithful, and has never desired to interefere in purely political matters. I will willingly cooperate with the government in reassuring the population that recent abuses will not be repeated." Monsignor Glenmorangie even mentioned that "some of his best friends drink blended malts."

More reports will be filed as the news develops.