ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!

Sketchy reports are beginning to arrive in newsrooms around the city concerning a mass assault on Jamesonburgh by the Knights of Malt. Personally supervised by Cardinal Laphroaig, the Knights are rousting entire families from their homes in the middle of the night and ransacking cellars in search of adulterated whiskies. Families - fathers, mothers and even children - are being rounded up and drowned in barrels of contraband blended-malt. Some accounts indicate that bystanders have reported barrels of the banned liquor being trucked into neighborhoods and planted in basements for Knights to 'discover.'

The mayor of Jamesonburgh has protested to His Eminence's superiors and efforts are being made to contact the Cardinal for clarification of this pogrom against the rebel community. The Caledonian Conclave vehemently denies these reports and urges people to remain calm as the situation develops and reports continue to arrive: "We believe fully in the integrity of His Eminence and trust the discretion and honor of the Order of the Knights of Malt. No one under the authority of this Conclave could be responsible for the reprehensible behavior falsely reported by trouble-makers and heretics hidden amongst our faithful followers. We ask that true believers in the Spirit deny this gossip when and wherever it is repeated."