Archbishop Jock Glenmorangie's office is referring all inquiries into the status of Cardinal Laphroaig to the following statement issued by St. Ardbeg's Hospital for the Terminally Befuddled. Updates will be issued by the press office of the Hospital as events warrant.

St. Ardbeg's

LORD CHIEF JUSTICE REMOVED, CARDINAL LAPHROAIG MISSING
Wildest rumors fly as civil authorities reassert power

AN UNEASY CALM has descended upon Jamesonburgh after nightfall, as families huddle in fear inside their homes. The streets are deserted, and not even the Knights of Malt -- omnipresent a few hours ago -- are to be seen. The last embers of the bonfires set by the knights still cast an eerie glow throughout the lifeless town, and dead bodies lie in many a dark corner amongst the staves of shattered casks.

It is reported that the civil authorities are back in control after this afternoon's unrest. Lord Chief Justice McCheney has been removed from his post and the writs of assistance and general warrants issued by him declared void. Officially, the Lord Chief Justice's sudden removal had nothing to do with his controversial decisions, but was simply due to his having accepted an appointment as the United Nation's new Commissioner for Human Rights. A government press release in fact hailed Lord McCheney as "this country's best Chief Justice in History" and praised his "intellectual ability and moral flexibility."

More troubling are reports that Cardinal Laphroaig --the public face of this afternoon's energetic repression -- has disappeared. The wildest rumors are connected with his absence, some even claiming that His Eminence was in fact a secret devotee of blended malts and has fled to a rebel monastery in the Hebrides. Several eyewitnesses also claim to have seen Cardinal Laphroaig being transported to St. Ardbeg's Hospital in a blacked-out ambulance. At this time, however, it is impossible to corroborate any of these reports.

Archbishop Jock Glenmorangie has assumed acting authority until Cardinal Laphroaig can be located. Monsignor Glenmorangie is known as a reformer, and his rapid appointment has been taken as a sign that the Caledonian Conclave is eager for compromise in the wake of today's unrest. He has expressed his eagerness to return control to the civil authorities, along with his respect for church - state separation. "The Conclave is above all a congregation of the faithful, and has never desired to interefere in purely political matters. I will willingly cooperate with the government in reassuring the population that recent abuses will not be repeated." Monsignor Glenmorangie even mentioned that "some of his best friends drink blended malts."

More reports will be filed as the news develops.

ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!

Sketchy reports are beginning to arrive in newsrooms around the city concerning a mass assault on Jamesonburgh by the Knights of Malt. Personally supervised by Cardinal Laphroaig, the Knights are rousting entire families from their homes in the middle of the night and ransacking cellars in search of adulterated whiskies. Families - fathers, mothers and even children - are being rounded up and drowned in barrels of contraband blended-malt. Some accounts indicate that bystanders have reported barrels of the banned liquor being trucked into neighborhoods and planted in basements for Knights to 'discover.'

The mayor of Jamesonburgh has protested to His Eminence's superiors and efforts are being made to contact the Cardinal for clarification of this pogrom against the rebel community. The Caledonian Conclave vehemently denies these reports and urges people to remain calm as the situation develops and reports continue to arrive: "We believe fully in the integrity of His Eminence and trust the discretion and honor of the Order of the Knights of Malt. No one under the authority of this Conclave could be responsible for the reprehensible behavior falsely reported by trouble-makers and heretics hidden amongst our faithful followers. We ask that true believers in the Spirit deny this gossip when and wherever it is repeated."

CONCLAVE TO ASSUME CIVIL AUTHORITY UNTIL ORDER RESTORED
Knights of Malt to Take Over Police Powers

Lord Chief Justice McCheney


THE RECENT CIVIL UNREST, caused by an upsurge of blended-whisky sales during the holiday season, has led the Caledonian Conclave to recommend radical measures to help stamp out the spreading fire of heresy. With the full backing of the lawfully elected authorities and several prominent distillers, his Eminence Cardinal Laphroaig has assumed full executive power until such time as order is restored. Lord Chief Justice McCheney has already issued numerous general warrants and writs of assistance, authorising the Knights of Malt to assume police powers and search homes for impure or adulterated spirits.

In the words of the Lord Chief Justice himself, "these measures are a no-brainer." He went on to explain that "any spirits that the Knights decide to be heretical will be thrown into bonfires and their owners punished to the fullest extent of the law -- and even beyond." Due Process will be protected, however: any complaint can be submitted in Latin and in triplicate between Wednesday and Thursday of next week to a panel of politically beholden, doddering old judges appointed by Cardinal Laphroaig. Cases will be heard at undisclosed locations without press intervention at times determined at the whim of the justices. "We will stand down when the civil authorities stand up," reassured his Eminence.

The Conclave urges the civilian population to be calm and cooperate to the fullest extent, and to turn up at their local offices at the earliest opportunity to take an oath of loyalty to the Conclave and receive the stamp of Conclave protection. We hope that the authority of the One True Spirit will soon be restored.

Happy Christmas,

Fr. Dougal, Conclave Spokesman

Open Letter by Cardinal Laphroaig to the Caledonian Conclave, Opus Barlei, and the Knights of Malt.

The following letter appears in the October edition of Moved by the Spirit, the well-known religious magazine available at all reputable dram-shops. It is reprinted here verbatim as a public service to all faithful.

Cathedral of St. Talisker by-the-Bog, 22 September 2006

Dearest Brothers and Sisters,

It is with the utmost sincerity and in a spirit of openness and communion that I take up the pen to address you in these fractious times. I am aware that my elevation to Cardinal has taken many by surprise, and pernicious rumors have been spread as a result. My election has been credited to the covert support of the Knights of Malt—a most holy and peaceful order whose devotion to the Spirit has never before been questioned. Hints have been made of collusion between our brothers of Opus Barlei and the Hibernian separatists—whose tendency to worship a triple-distilled concoction, claimed by some to be a manifestation of the Spirit, has long since been dismissed as mere idolatry. None of these rumors are true, and I reaffirm my commitment to dialogue with all branches and orders of our faith.

Openness, communion, and dialogue: these shall be my guiding principles as our faith navigates the treacherous shoals that lie ahead. But by openness, I do not mean foolish credulity. By communion, I do not mean collusion with heretics. And by dialogue, I do not mean abject submission. You are of course aware, dear brothers and sisters, that the College of Cardinals is currently engaged in a vigorous scholarly debate on ecumenism. Throughout that debate, I will vigorously challenge our brethren to remain true to the Spirit, to ignore the lure of modernism and ephemeral trends, and to seek the true ecumenism: that which will lead those who are lost to find the one true Spirit. Such is the task that lies ahead, and I know that I can count on your faithful support.

Spiritum Laudamus,

Laphroaig

Official Press Release from Father Coylumbridge, Press Secretary for the College of Cardinals:

The College of Cardinals is deeply disappointed by the reproduction of a patently false 'correspondence' between the newly appointed Cardinal Laphroaig and the so-called Knights of Malt. The Caledonian Conclave has failed in its responsibility to support our august body and has cast false aspersions on its spiritual rigour and authenticity. We have sent a strongly worded letter of protest to the Brothers of the Monastery of Malt and have demanded a retraction. The Brothers, whom we deeply love and respect for their work in the Spirit, have been traduced and will, we believe, return to the fold as soon as they realize their error. Until then we continue to pray for them and listen for the urgings of the Spirit.

We ask all followers of the Spirit to remain steadfast and true. Our investigations into the ecumenicism of all Spirits will continue thoughtfully and carefully and we ask your patience during this difficult time.

The College of Cardinals

The following is a reprint of the text of a letter from Cardinal Laphroaig to the Grand Master of the Knights of Malt.

Dearest Friend,

I am deeply indebted to you and your fellow knights for the, shall we say, subtle influence you wielded to encourage the College of Cardinals to grant my nomination. We who are the true defenders of the Spirit are in accord as to the goals we must pursue to maintain the Truth.

As you yourself have revealed, the College has become unsettled and has begun to stray from true faith in the Spirit; this must be stopped and the damage repaired.

For centuries the Knights have charted the path of true righteousness under the direction of the Spirit. Have I not myself seen and heard the discussions, attended the conclaves and committed myself to the goals of your Order? My own secret membership in the Knights, which would put me in direct opposition to the College were it known, attests to my commitment to our shared ideals. We follow the same path.

I believe that after a millenia of careful planning and hard work success may be within our grasp.

Many members of the College have confided in me that they are unhappy with the direction their august body has taken. They, like us, believe that only the perfection of the Spirit is acceptable and the ecumenical approach to so-called 'pure' and 'blended' malts is unseemly and heretical. You know my work as the Grand Inquisitor of the Monastery of Malt sometimes made me the unhappy target of the unholy who would adulterate that which we hold sacred. I believe my persecutions, as minimal as they may have been, were in the best cause possible; my scars are my glory.

I must end here, however abruptly. The College has scheduled my investiture for this hour and I must present myself for formal approval.

Please meet me at the appointed hour at St. Ardbeg's. The robust monks there, however prone they may be to shedding their robes at the slightest provocation, are our friends and will share with us a dram of the Spirit while we plan our movements within the College. These are troubled times dear friend and we must work assiduously to serve the Spirit.

Your brother in arms,

Laphroaig

The following is an internal memo leaked from the Administrative arm of the Knights of Malt. Guardians of the Caledonian Conclave disavow any claims to the accuracy or truth of the contents.

"Dear Brother Knights,

We have an historic opportunity to place within the College of Cardinals one with whom we can agree in thought, spirit and deed. The Most Reverend Father Laphroaig may be elected to the College if we suggest to the proper individuals our support for such an election. But we must act quickly.

Clearly the character of the College has been sullied by those who would advocate an ecumenical approach to the Spirit, which is a position untenable to those who believe as we do. The election of the Most Reverend Father would be our opportunity to purge the College of such elements. Our support for Father Laphroaig must be of another sort, however. No word of our true intentions must reach the advocates who would bring the nomination to the full College. They mustn't know of our desire to replace soft, or impure, members with those who agree with our position regarding the purity of the Spirit. We must encourage the College, quietly, to anoint Father Laphroaig as one who will assist the members in their efforts to broaden or, in our minds, dilute the great truth.

We believe that with the election of our ally, the College can be re-aligned with the Knights. Politically (a word which we loathe, but see the need for) this would give us the opportunity to influence the Holy Father and bring the ranks of the Laity back into true communion with the Spirit. We believe this is the only way for true believers. All others are heretics.

Don't be swayed by those who believe that the Spirit may include the blended or so-called 'pure' malts. This too is a heresy. They will argue passionately, but you must turn a deaf ear to their entreaties. The way of the Spirit demands it.

Each of us has contacts within the College who will listen to us. Please encourage those sympathetic to the Knights to elect Father Laphroaig to this venerable College. This is a rare and important opportunity to move the Cardinals into alignment with our historic goals. Many years have passed as we have made our plans to plot the path of the Body - our time is now.

Do not let this moment pass.

Spiritum Laudamus

The College of Cardinals is pleased to announce the promotion of the Most Reverend Father Laphroaig, Grand Inquisitor of the Caledonian Conclave, to the position of Blessed Cardinal. The College, aware of Father Laphroaig's profound commitment to the purity of the Spirit, have chosen to add his name to the rolls of those who defend the Faith and give advice and comfort to our Holy Father.

Father Laphroaig has shown himself worthy of the title through his efforts to maintain the holiness of the bretheren and demonstrate through word and deed the straight and narrow way that leads to true sanctification. The College applauds the Most Reverend Father and looks forward to his contributions to the work of the Spirit.

SAINT CRAGGANMORE the Mature drawing the Sacred Dram and testing for the Purity of the Spirit.

ON THIS DAY in the Year of the Spirit two-thousand and six, the Caledonian Conclave is happy to report that the Brother Cellarer of the Monastery of Malt has at long last returned from arduous foreign travels in heathen lands. He has brought back with him a priceless treasure that shall forever proclaim the glory of this most blessed Order: the holy relics of Saint Strathisla, which shall forevermore lie in the Monastery Church. The relics, wich were liberated thanks to the active assistance of those crusading saints, the Knights of Malt, were presented late last night to our Brothers, who were transported by the holy experience of this sainted dram, dating from the early ages of the distillery and before its recent much-lamented mothballing and resurrection.

BUT THE BLESSINGS that have recently befallen our Order do not end here. The blessed Brother Cellarer has also procured the holy water of Saint Cragganmore the Mature, patron saint of the Opus Barlei. The florid monks of that order, moved by the Spirit after a communal feast, and basking in the afterglow of His warmth, have conveyed a flagon of twelve-year-old double-matured Uisge Beatha to our chapter house, where the assembled community will meet again this evening.

Spiritum Laudamus,
Fr. Keith