SLEEPERS AWAKE!

THE MONKS OF ST. PEAT'S and the Caledonian Conclave would like to apologize to all the faithful for this site not having been updated for awhile. The Brothers awoke this morning from their holy stupor (and with an unholy headache), blinking in the light filtering through the stained glass of the abbey church. Upon staggering over to the sacred orrery, the Brother Astronomer's socks were literally knocked off by the realization that almost five years of sacred slumber had elapsed. The Spirit be praised! After splashing some holy water over their florid faces, and following a judicious intake of coma canis (literally, "hair of the dog"), the Brothers of the Order slowly returned to their assigned tasks. This was also the occasion for a bit of good-natured humor: upon being informed that, during their holy dormition, Donald Trump had become President of the United States, the Brothers erupted in laughter at such a preposterous notion! It's heartening to see that the world has not lost its sense of humor. That said, we look forward to learning who the actual President is at the earliest opportunity. Please contact the Caledonian Conclave at the number listed below to let us know.

In the meantime, we're back! Spiritum laudamus!

OUR STATEMENT OF FAITH

WE MEN OF FAITH are often called upon to make professions of belief. Of course, it is critical to make clear to the congregation that faith and the dogma of the Conclave (plus a good pot-still) are the foundation upon which we have built our edifice. Having spoken thus, however, the brethren of the Caledonian Conclave recognizes that faith, while good enough in itself, is a fleeting and intangible thing. To most people, proof is more satisfying than faith -- and the higher the proof the better!

We believe that the perfect expression of the Spirit is at least 90 proof. And we believe that greater faith requires greater proof, for the deepest mysteries of the Spirit are best revealed in their undiluted, unadulterated strength. With a cigar.

Proof does not deny faith. Faith does not reject proof. The two are not mutually exclusive. Faith and very high proof are inexorably intertwined. After all, one may have faith in the Spirit; but the hallelujah! is in the proof.

And so reason and logic -- those two God-given attributes of mankind-- demand of us that we not accept any lower proof. We are men of faith, and we believe in proof!

Spiritum Laudamus.

MANY HAPPY RETURNS OF THE DAY!

THE CONCLAVE wishes to honor our dear brother Marcel (full name: Marcellus Denisius Insomnambulus de Borges Hibernium Rastafarius McTavish), who celebrates his 114th birthday today!

A resident at St. Ardbeg's since he was left on the doorstep of the chapel as an infant, fr. Marcel has diligently undertaken the study of the spirit, which has clearly led to his long, long life.

Though no longer able to don the loincloth of the brethren, Marcel nevertheless celebrates each day with a dram of Bowmore, honoring the long tradition of the fraternity of the Spirit.

Spiritum Laudamus and Happy Birthday!

PROFILES IN PERSISTENCE

THE HIGHLAND PARK GAMES, held annually on the grounds of St. Talisker College and hosted by the order of Opus Barlei, are eagerly anticipated by a multitude of monks of many fraternal orders worldwide. As noted, the monks relish the opportunity to toss a heretic, down a haggis, or just partake in friendly, brotherly trash talk with other competitors. To see that the rules are adhered to and the trash-talking stays fraternal, Brother Gus oversees the Games and applies the rules (first laid down by the Highland Park Games Committee in 1378) rigorously. Often called upon to determine whether a tossed soul maintains his heretical status until, at least, he strikes the ground (bounces don't count) , or whether a contestant has regurgitated his haggis, Brother Gus rules with an iron hand and a steel sword. Seen below conferring by phone with the Congregation for the Disambiguation of the Faith and Rules Committee ("CDFRC"), Gus is tireless in maintaining order at what could otherwise become a wild and unruly event.

Brother Gus himself competed at the Highland Park Games as a masterly heretic tosser from 1974 - 1983 and 1986 - 1992 (the years 1984 and 1985, of course, being the years of the Malthusian Dispute when the Games were suspended). A torn ACL in the infamous '92 toss left him sidelined until he was recruited by the CDFRC as Sergeant-at-Arms, which is the senior referee position overseeing all rules and decisions in the competition.

Cleared of bribery charges after the 2000 Games where the Whiskey flowed freely and some referees seemed hampered by inappropriately accepted drams, Brother Gus has gone on to a distinguished career supervising the rowdy monks as they compete for the Grand Nosing Glass -- the trophy which stands at the end of the competition and is given to those Brothers who win the race and fight the good fight. The Grand Nosing Glass, with engraved inscriptions showing winners going back to 1628 (the year following the Great Glass Crash), can be viewed at the Monastery of Malt.

Our appreciation to Brother Gus for his tireless efforts and amazing success as Sergeant-at-Arms at this, our 628th Highland Park Games. Spiritum Laudamus!

IT'S TIME FOR THE HIGHLAND PARK GAMES!

A GREAT DEAL OF FUN was had by all this past weekend at the annual Highland Park Games! Held on the grounds of St. Talisker College near Jamesonburgh, the Games afford our priests a rare occasion to let their hair down and showcase their skill.

The Games opended with the traditional tossing of the heretic, which this year featured representatives of the Little Brothers of Barley, the Knights of Malt, and St. Ardbeg's Hospital. The tossing, as always, involved genuine heretics (certified as such by the law firm of Tun, Hogshead & Butt) who were collected only hours before, by the Knights of Malt, from establishments infamous for serving blended malts. The tossing was won again this year by Friar Butch (pictured below), of the Little Brothers of Barley, whose flawless technique and perfect follow-through won the admiration of the crowd.

Friar Butch, although he has never quite mastered illumination and the gentler arts of the scriptorium, does indeed toss a mean heretic!
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In fact, as often happens when the energetic Little Brother handles a toss, the heretic recanted upon landing. He was immediately taken to St. Ardbeg's Hospital for reeducation.

But the Highland Park Games are not simply games of strength. They also provide an opportunity for the winsome Sisters of the Still to showcase their cheerleading abilities! The picture below shows some of the sisters cheering the monks of the Monastery of Malt during the running of the barrels -- one of the most thrilling and popular games. That picture alone shows why the Caledonian Conclave gets so many vocations! Where else would you find such a fine group of, shall we say, spirited young ladies! But don't you get into the habit...

And that's not all. The first day of the Games ended, as always, with a haggis-eating competition for the little ones! The last one to be sick wins! This year, little Tobias "Tubby" Tompkins, 8 years old, won the contest hand-down, downing an astonishing 2.5 pounds of finest haggis before collapsing. (St. Ardbeg's Hostpital wishes to reassure the public that the child is expected to survive).
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Stay tuned for more updates from the Highland Park Games! More information and pictures will be posted on this website soon!
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Spiritum Laudamus.

BOOK REVIEW

UNLESS YOU HAVE BEEN LIVING in a barrelhouse for the last several decades, you are aware that the series of currents generally described as "Libation Theology" represents one of the most intense -- and controversial -- areas of discussion in the Church today. Although Pope Balvenie XVI's recent encyclical, "In Uisge Beatha Veritas," briefly appeared to settle the issue in favor of the traditionalists, the fact remains that certain aspects of libation theology are still very much alive. In particular, the "One Cellar - Many Barrels" idea is currently under intense discussion in seminaries and monasteries of the Conclave. A new book by Father Cooper investigates the origins and implications of this deeply controversial topic.

Barrelhouse God, a hefty and scholarly tome, is Cooper's attempt to reconcile the apparent paradoxes of a theology that may, in its most extreme expressions, condone the drinking of some blended malts -- anathema to a large segment of the faithful. Even more controversial, the idea that there may be many equally worthy paths to the Spirit seems to imply that partaking in Armagnacs, Cognacs, and fine fruit brandies, may not be the path to eternal damnation it has long been represented to be. Nevertheless, and although it has long been frowned upon by the papacy, Many Barrels theology is currently under cautious, albeit extensive, review by the College of Cardinals. The vast number of barrels of exotic liqueurs delivered everyday for tasting by the Cardinals is, alone, testament to the commendable thoroughness and seriousness with which the College has been approaching this issue.

While an official decision is expected any day, continued debate on the merits of this theology will not end soon. With that in mind, the Cardinals may wish to read Cooper's thought-provoking work. While the book does not purport to challenge the current approach, the author's personal experimentation with different expressions of the Spirit seems to suggest that a state of higher exaltation may indeed well be attained through different expressions. Are those expressions nothing more than many barrels in a larger cellar? That, for now, is still a matter left to the conscience of the reader of Barrelhouse God.

Fr. Marcel

Barrelhouse God
Hidebound $ 65.95 U.S.___$ 199.50 Can.___€ 2.99
Stinking Bog Publications, Inc.
1,243 pages incl. 193 scratch-and-sniff pages
Fully annotated bibliography
Tasting notes available from the publisher upon request. SASE, please.
Nosing glass included
Illustrated coffee-table edition complete with indulgences due for publication Spring, 2009!
Not available in Papal Bookstores

CONCLAVE TO POST BAIL FOR JAILED MONKS

THE CALEDONIAN CONCLAVE announced today that it will post bail to secure the release of five brothers of the Knights of Malt who were arrested last night after a four-hour standoff at the Addled Abbot public house in Jamesonburgh. According to police reports, the five knights were already in a somewhat exalted state as they entered the pub and began smashing kegs of blended malts. When the constabulary was called, the five knights barricaded themselves inside the building, took the publican hostage, and prepared to sustain a siege, fortifying themselves with deep draughts of extra-strong ale.

After several failed attempts to talk the knights out of the pub-turned-fortress, the exasperated constables fired teargas canisters into the building. But the knights retaliated by visciously mooning the forces of the law. The officers then changed their tactics and simply waited for the holy men to pass out. This approach worked, and the disorderly divines were taken into custody without any resistance other than dead weight. Addled Abbot publican Angus MacDunsinane said, "Och! Damned monks! Drinkin' ma ale and boostin' ma benches! They're nought but trouble all'a the time."

The Caledonian Conclave deplores the spiritual excesses in which some misguided brothers may have fallen, and urges the faithful to avoid fundamentalism in matters of the spirit.

A SHORT HISTORY OF THE KNIGHTS OF MALT

THE KNIGHTS OF MALT, one of the most ancient orders in the Caledonian Conclave, was founded during the First Crusade by three drunken knights, whose goal was to defend and protect besotted pilgrims from the depradations of the Saracens. To that effect, the three knights -- Otto, Rollo, and Blotto -- organized their first hospital near the Mount of Olives, which offered a haven where weary travelers could nurse their hangovers in a quiet and safe setting. Fifty years after their founding, however, the knights were expelled from Jerusalem after an especially memorable toga party.

The knights soon regrouped in Europe, where they sought to focus on the more spiritual aspects of their mission. The main Commandery of the Knights of Malt soon became known throughout Christendom for its extensive scriptorium and library. To this day, St. Ardbeg's Monastery houses the largest known library of theological works and bawdy incunabula. The fine erotic stained glass in the monestary chapel, dedicated to Our Lady of Joyful Inebriation, is also well worth a visit -- though regretably off-limits to minors.

To this day, the knights' ongoing quest for the Holy Quaich, which is said to have contained the True Spirit carried by Moses while the Children of Israel were lost in the wilderness, continues to be their raison d'etre. According to ancient legends dating from the earliest drunken haze of unrecorded history, the cup was taken up by God in exchange for the Ten Commandments and ultimately hidden somewhere under the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. The Knights of Malt have fought their expulsion from the Holy City for centuries, determined eventually to recapture, refill and reveal the chalice to the world.

In the meantime, the knights continue to operate St. Ardbeg's Hospital as part of their mission of service to the world, along with various prestigious universities. The most famous of these is St. Talisker's College of the Permissive Arts, which regularly makes U.S. News & World Reports top-ten list of the best very-liberal-arts colleges , along with Playboy Magazine's list of top party schools. The knights are proud of their worldwide reputation and strive to maintain the high standards that have made them the envy of every university recruiter.

Unquestioning faith, selfless service, and a throne-hugging approach to spirituality -- these are the three pillars that have made the Knights of Malt what they are today. Interested seekers are encouraged to send their applications to our monastery.

Fr. Bowmore, Conclave Historian