CONCLAVE TO POST BAIL FOR JAILED MONKS

THE CALEDONIAN CONCLAVE announced today that it will post bail to secure the release of five brothers of the Knights of Malt who were arrested last night after a four-hour standoff at the Addled Abbot public house in Jamesonburgh. According to police reports, the five knights were already in a somewhat exalted state as they entered the pub and began smashing kegs of blended malts. When the constabulary was called, the five knights barricaded themselves inside the building, took the publican hostage, and prepared to sustain a siege, fortifying themselves with deep draughts of extra-strong ale.

After several failed attempts to talk the knights out of the pub-turned-fortress, the exasperated constables fired teargas canisters into the building. But the knights retaliated by visciously mooning the forces of the law. The officers then changed their tactics and simply waited for the holy men to pass out. This approach worked, and the disorderly divines were taken into custody without any resistance other than dead weight. Addled Abbot publican Angus MacDunsinane said, "Och! Damned monks! Drinkin' ma ale and boostin' ma benches! They're nought but trouble all'a the time."

The Caledonian Conclave deplores the spiritual excesses in which some misguided brothers may have fallen, and urges the faithful to avoid fundamentalism in matters of the spirit.

A SHORT HISTORY OF THE KNIGHTS OF MALT

THE KNIGHTS OF MALT, one of the most ancient orders in the Caledonian Conclave, was founded during the First Crusade by three drunken knights, whose goal was to defend and protect besotted pilgrims from the depradations of the Saracens. To that effect, the three knights -- Otto, Rollo, and Blotto -- organized their first hospital near the Mount of Olives, which offered a haven where weary travelers could nurse their hangovers in a quiet and safe setting. Fifty years after their founding, however, the knights were expelled from Jerusalem after an especially memorable toga party.

The knights soon regrouped in Europe, where they sought to focus on the more spiritual aspects of their mission. The main Commandery of the Knights of Malt soon became known throughout Christendom for its extensive scriptorium and library. To this day, St. Ardbeg's Monastery houses the largest known library of theological works and bawdy incunabula. The fine erotic stained glass in the monestary chapel, dedicated to Our Lady of Joyful Inebriation, is also well worth a visit -- though regretably off-limits to minors.

To this day, the knights' ongoing quest for the Holy Quaich, which is said to have contained the True Spirit carried by Moses while the Children of Israel were lost in the wilderness, continues to be their raison d'etre. According to ancient legends dating from the earliest drunken haze of unrecorded history, the cup was taken up by God in exchange for the Ten Commandments and ultimately hidden somewhere under the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. The Knights of Malt have fought their expulsion from the Holy City for centuries, determined eventually to recapture, refill and reveal the chalice to the world.

In the meantime, the knights continue to operate St. Ardbeg's Hospital as part of their mission of service to the world, along with various prestigious universities. The most famous of these is St. Talisker's College of the Permissive Arts, which regularly makes U.S. News & World Reports top-ten list of the best very-liberal-arts colleges , along with Playboy Magazine's list of top party schools. The knights are proud of their worldwide reputation and strive to maintain the high standards that have made them the envy of every university recruiter.

Unquestioning faith, selfless service, and a throne-hugging approach to spirituality -- these are the three pillars that have made the Knights of Malt what they are today. Interested seekers are encouraged to send their applications to our monastery.

Fr. Bowmore, Conclave Historian