CONCLAVE TO POST BAIL FOR JAILED MONKS

THE CALEDONIAN CONCLAVE announced today that it will post bail to secure the release of five brothers of the Knights of Malt who were arrested last night after a four-hour standoff at the Addled Abbot public house in Jamesonburgh. According to police reports, the five knights were already in a somewhat exalted state as they entered the pub and began smashing kegs of blended malts. When the constabulary was called, the five knights barricaded themselves inside the building, took the publican hostage, and prepared to sustain a siege, fortifying themselves with deep draughts of extra-strong ale.

After several failed attempts to talk the knights out of the pub-turned-fortress, the exasperated constables fired teargas canisters into the building. But the knights retaliated by visciously mooning the forces of the law. The officers then changed their tactics and simply waited for the holy men to pass out. This approach worked, and the disorderly divines were taken into custody without any resistance other than dead weight. Addled Abbot publican Angus MacDunsinane said, "Och! Damned monks! Drinkin' ma ale and boostin' ma benches! They're nought but trouble all'a the time."

The Caledonian Conclave deplores the spiritual excesses in which some misguided brothers may have fallen, and urges the faithful to avoid fundamentalism in matters of the spirit.