Open Letter by Cardinal Laphroaig to the Caledonian Conclave, Opus Barlei, and the Knights of Malt.

The following letter appears in the October edition of Moved by the Spirit, the well-known religious magazine available at all reputable dram-shops. It is reprinted here verbatim as a public service to all faithful.

Cathedral of St. Talisker by-the-Bog, 22 September 2006

Dearest Brothers and Sisters,

It is with the utmost sincerity and in a spirit of openness and communion that I take up the pen to address you in these fractious times. I am aware that my elevation to Cardinal has taken many by surprise, and pernicious rumors have been spread as a result. My election has been credited to the covert support of the Knights of Malt—a most holy and peaceful order whose devotion to the Spirit has never before been questioned. Hints have been made of collusion between our brothers of Opus Barlei and the Hibernian separatists—whose tendency to worship a triple-distilled concoction, claimed by some to be a manifestation of the Spirit, has long since been dismissed as mere idolatry. None of these rumors are true, and I reaffirm my commitment to dialogue with all branches and orders of our faith.

Openness, communion, and dialogue: these shall be my guiding principles as our faith navigates the treacherous shoals that lie ahead. But by openness, I do not mean foolish credulity. By communion, I do not mean collusion with heretics. And by dialogue, I do not mean abject submission. You are of course aware, dear brothers and sisters, that the College of Cardinals is currently engaged in a vigorous scholarly debate on ecumenism. Throughout that debate, I will vigorously challenge our brethren to remain true to the Spirit, to ignore the lure of modernism and ephemeral trends, and to seek the true ecumenism: that which will lead those who are lost to find the one true Spirit. Such is the task that lies ahead, and I know that I can count on your faithful support.

Spiritum Laudamus,

Laphroaig

Official Press Release from Father Coylumbridge, Press Secretary for the College of Cardinals:

The College of Cardinals is deeply disappointed by the reproduction of a patently false 'correspondence' between the newly appointed Cardinal Laphroaig and the so-called Knights of Malt. The Caledonian Conclave has failed in its responsibility to support our august body and has cast false aspersions on its spiritual rigour and authenticity. We have sent a strongly worded letter of protest to the Brothers of the Monastery of Malt and have demanded a retraction. The Brothers, whom we deeply love and respect for their work in the Spirit, have been traduced and will, we believe, return to the fold as soon as they realize their error. Until then we continue to pray for them and listen for the urgings of the Spirit.

We ask all followers of the Spirit to remain steadfast and true. Our investigations into the ecumenicism of all Spirits will continue thoughtfully and carefully and we ask your patience during this difficult time.

The College of Cardinals

The following is a reprint of the text of a letter from Cardinal Laphroaig to the Grand Master of the Knights of Malt.

Dearest Friend,

I am deeply indebted to you and your fellow knights for the, shall we say, subtle influence you wielded to encourage the College of Cardinals to grant my nomination. We who are the true defenders of the Spirit are in accord as to the goals we must pursue to maintain the Truth.

As you yourself have revealed, the College has become unsettled and has begun to stray from true faith in the Spirit; this must be stopped and the damage repaired.

For centuries the Knights have charted the path of true righteousness under the direction of the Spirit. Have I not myself seen and heard the discussions, attended the conclaves and committed myself to the goals of your Order? My own secret membership in the Knights, which would put me in direct opposition to the College were it known, attests to my commitment to our shared ideals. We follow the same path.

I believe that after a millenia of careful planning and hard work success may be within our grasp.

Many members of the College have confided in me that they are unhappy with the direction their august body has taken. They, like us, believe that only the perfection of the Spirit is acceptable and the ecumenical approach to so-called 'pure' and 'blended' malts is unseemly and heretical. You know my work as the Grand Inquisitor of the Monastery of Malt sometimes made me the unhappy target of the unholy who would adulterate that which we hold sacred. I believe my persecutions, as minimal as they may have been, were in the best cause possible; my scars are my glory.

I must end here, however abruptly. The College has scheduled my investiture for this hour and I must present myself for formal approval.

Please meet me at the appointed hour at St. Ardbeg's. The robust monks there, however prone they may be to shedding their robes at the slightest provocation, are our friends and will share with us a dram of the Spirit while we plan our movements within the College. These are troubled times dear friend and we must work assiduously to serve the Spirit.

Your brother in arms,

Laphroaig

The following is an internal memo leaked from the Administrative arm of the Knights of Malt. Guardians of the Caledonian Conclave disavow any claims to the accuracy or truth of the contents.

"Dear Brother Knights,

We have an historic opportunity to place within the College of Cardinals one with whom we can agree in thought, spirit and deed. The Most Reverend Father Laphroaig may be elected to the College if we suggest to the proper individuals our support for such an election. But we must act quickly.

Clearly the character of the College has been sullied by those who would advocate an ecumenical approach to the Spirit, which is a position untenable to those who believe as we do. The election of the Most Reverend Father would be our opportunity to purge the College of such elements. Our support for Father Laphroaig must be of another sort, however. No word of our true intentions must reach the advocates who would bring the nomination to the full College. They mustn't know of our desire to replace soft, or impure, members with those who agree with our position regarding the purity of the Spirit. We must encourage the College, quietly, to anoint Father Laphroaig as one who will assist the members in their efforts to broaden or, in our minds, dilute the great truth.

We believe that with the election of our ally, the College can be re-aligned with the Knights. Politically (a word which we loathe, but see the need for) this would give us the opportunity to influence the Holy Father and bring the ranks of the Laity back into true communion with the Spirit. We believe this is the only way for true believers. All others are heretics.

Don't be swayed by those who believe that the Spirit may include the blended or so-called 'pure' malts. This too is a heresy. They will argue passionately, but you must turn a deaf ear to their entreaties. The way of the Spirit demands it.

Each of us has contacts within the College who will listen to us. Please encourage those sympathetic to the Knights to elect Father Laphroaig to this venerable College. This is a rare and important opportunity to move the Cardinals into alignment with our historic goals. Many years have passed as we have made our plans to plot the path of the Body - our time is now.

Do not let this moment pass.

Spiritum Laudamus

The College of Cardinals is pleased to announce the promotion of the Most Reverend Father Laphroaig, Grand Inquisitor of the Caledonian Conclave, to the position of Blessed Cardinal. The College, aware of Father Laphroaig's profound commitment to the purity of the Spirit, have chosen to add his name to the rolls of those who defend the Faith and give advice and comfort to our Holy Father.

Father Laphroaig has shown himself worthy of the title through his efforts to maintain the holiness of the bretheren and demonstrate through word and deed the straight and narrow way that leads to true sanctification. The College applauds the Most Reverend Father and looks forward to his contributions to the work of the Spirit.

SAINT CRAGGANMORE the Mature drawing the Sacred Dram and testing for the Purity of the Spirit.

ON THIS DAY in the Year of the Spirit two-thousand and six, the Caledonian Conclave is happy to report that the Brother Cellarer of the Monastery of Malt has at long last returned from arduous foreign travels in heathen lands. He has brought back with him a priceless treasure that shall forever proclaim the glory of this most blessed Order: the holy relics of Saint Strathisla, which shall forevermore lie in the Monastery Church. The relics, wich were liberated thanks to the active assistance of those crusading saints, the Knights of Malt, were presented late last night to our Brothers, who were transported by the holy experience of this sainted dram, dating from the early ages of the distillery and before its recent much-lamented mothballing and resurrection.

BUT THE BLESSINGS that have recently befallen our Order do not end here. The blessed Brother Cellarer has also procured the holy water of Saint Cragganmore the Mature, patron saint of the Opus Barlei. The florid monks of that order, moved by the Spirit after a communal feast, and basking in the afterglow of His warmth, have conveyed a flagon of twelve-year-old double-matured Uisge Beatha to our chapter house, where the assembled community will meet again this evening.

Spiritum Laudamus,
Fr. Keith

The Congregation of Saint Peat's has the function of promoting and safeguarding the true expression of the Spirit throughout the world. In accomplishing this purpose, it renders a service to the truth, by protecting the right of the people to receive the Spirit in its purity and entirety, free from corrupting heresies. Therefore, in order that the Spirit may be enjoyed free from adulteration, every Brother shall have the following duties:

I. In the first place, to love the Spirit with his entire heart, his entire soul, his entire strength.
II. To receive the Spirit in its purest expression, as the mystical combination of the elements of water, barley, and peat.
III. To shun the heresies that seek to dilute the Spirit and drown its true expression, masking its true strength.
IV. To share in the Spirit communally with his Brothers.
V. To not covet another Brother's Spirit, but to rejoice in the variety of its manifestations.
VI. To not bear false witness against any Spirit, but to honestly and fully bear witness to the True Spirit.
VII. To become a stranger to the ways of the false Spirit, known as "pure" or "blended" malt.
VIII. To receive the Spirit only in the presence of those nourishments which serve to magnify the wonder of its glorious gifts.
IX. To teach and convey the glory of the True Spirit to those who dwell in darkness.
X. To enjoy the Spirit with a good cigar.

Saint Peat the Indulgent
Monastery of Malt, A.D. DCLXVIII

Report from Extraordinary Plenary Session of the Conclave:

The Caledonian Conclave, deeply saddened by urgent reports of rampant heresy among professed brothers of our Order, held an extraordinary session on this day in order to consider which methods should be adopted to contain this most disturbing trend. The Most Reverend Father Laphroaig, Grand Inquisitor of our Order, presided over this solemn assembly. Among the several heresies considered were the so-called "blended scotch" school of thought, and the especially pernicious "pure malt" sect.

After a spirited debate between the several members of our chapter, it was resolved that only the most forceful measures would adequately protect the true expression of the Spirit against the false teachings of these heretical sects. The sect known as "blended scotch," because it perpetrates the worst and most intense perversion of the true nature of the Spirit, will be dealt with most severely. Anyone of our brothers convicted of owing allegiance to that apostasy, will be cast out of our Order. Because the "pure malt" sect represents an especially subtle and insidious attack upon the true nature of the Spirit, it will be dealt with through rigorous teaching and monitoring. Every one of our brothers will be required to know and recognize the inherent falsehood of that expression.

Grand Inquisitor, the Most Reverend Father Laphroaig, expressed himself satisfied with these initial measures, although expressing his profound worry that their leniency might prove insufficient to stamp out the danger to our Order. He suggested that something lingering, with boiling oil in it, might prove more appropriate. It was, therefore, resolved that the conclave should reconvene in a month in order to consider the initial effect of these new measures.

Spiritum Laudamus
Fr. Islay, Official Conclave Recorder

The monastery of Malt, also known as St. Peat's where the Little Brothers of Barley wait upon the Spirit. 

Latest Report of Conclave Proceedings:

The Caledonian Conclave held a plenary session this Memorial Day weekend in order to conduct some rather important business. The most pressing matter on the agenda was to engage in an official tasting of the latest Conclave purchase: a bottle of The Dalmore Cigar Malt, whisky previously untested by this august body.

The unanimous opinion of the Conclave was that this is indeed an underrated single malt. A beautiful dark orange color and a unique sherryish aroma are its most striking features. A smooth round body and a surprisingly long finish (reminiscent of hot toffee) were an agreeable complement to a game of Go in which our own Bishop of Bowmore and Cardinal Cragganmore were then engaged.

As the evening wore on, it was decided that a small dram of Talisker would agreeably cap a productive session. The contrast between the smooth sherryish Dalmore and the peppery Talisker was striking. The Conclave closed its meeting agreeing that more detailed tasting notes for these and other malts should soon be posted here.

Whisky Syndicate Purchases

1) Highland Park

2) Cragganmore

3) Laphroaig

4) Bowmore

5) Talisker

6) Dalmore

7) Glenlivet

8) Double-Matured Distiller's Special Cragganmore

9) Strathisla