CONCLAVE TO POST BAIL FOR JAILED MONKS

THE CALEDONIAN CONCLAVE announced today that it will post bail to secure the release of five brothers of the Knights of Malt who were arrested last night after a four-hour standoff at the Addled Abbot public house in Jamesonburgh. According to police reports, the five knights were already in a somewhat exalted state as they entered the pub and began smashing kegs of blended malts. When the constabulary was called, the five knights barricaded themselves inside the building, took the publican hostage, and prepared to sustain a siege, fortifying themselves with deep draughts of extra-strong ale.

After several failed attempts to talk the knights out of the pub-turned-fortress, the exasperated constables fired teargas canisters into the building. But the knights retaliated by visciously mooning the forces of the law. The officers then changed their tactics and simply waited for the holy men to pass out. This approach worked, and the disorderly divines were taken into custody without any resistance other than dead weight. Addled Abbot publican Angus MacDunsinane said, "Och! Damned monks! Drinkin' ma ale and boostin' ma benches! They're nought but trouble all'a the time."

The Caledonian Conclave deplores the spiritual excesses in which some misguided brothers may have fallen, and urges the faithful to avoid fundamentalism in matters of the spirit.

A SHORT HISTORY OF THE KNIGHTS OF MALT

THE KNIGHTS OF MALT, one of the most ancient orders in the Caledonian Conclave, was founded during the First Crusade by three drunken knights, whose goal was to defend and protect besotted pilgrims from the depradations of the Saracens. To that effect, the three knights -- Otto, Rollo, and Blotto -- organized their first hospital near the Mount of Olives, which offered a haven where weary travelers could nurse their hangovers in a quiet and safe setting. Fifty years after their founding, however, the knights were expelled from Jerusalem after an especially memorable toga party.

The knights soon regrouped in Europe, where they sought to focus on the more spiritual aspects of their mission. The main Commandery of the Knights of Malt soon became known throughout Christendom for its extensive scriptorium and library. To this day, St. Ardbeg's Monastery houses the largest known library of theological works and bawdy incunabula. The fine erotic stained glass in the monestary chapel, dedicated to Our Lady of Joyful Inebriation, is also well worth a visit -- though regretably off-limits to minors.

To this day, the knights' ongoing quest for the Holy Quaich, which is said to have contained the True Spirit carried by Moses while the Children of Israel were lost in the wilderness, continues to be their raison d'etre. According to ancient legends dating from the earliest drunken haze of unrecorded history, the cup was taken up by God in exchange for the Ten Commandments and ultimately hidden somewhere under the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. The Knights of Malt have fought their expulsion from the Holy City for centuries, determined eventually to recapture, refill and reveal the chalice to the world.

In the meantime, the knights continue to operate St. Ardbeg's Hospital as part of their mission of service to the world, along with various prestigious universities. The most famous of these is St. Talisker's College of the Permissive Arts, which regularly makes U.S. News & World Reports top-ten list of the best very-liberal-arts colleges , along with Playboy Magazine's list of top party schools. The knights are proud of their worldwide reputation and strive to maintain the high standards that have made them the envy of every university recruiter.

Unquestioning faith, selfless service, and a throne-hugging approach to spirituality -- these are the three pillars that have made the Knights of Malt what they are today. Interested seekers are encouraged to send their applications to our monastery.

Fr. Bowmore, Conclave Historian

Archbishop Jock Glenmorangie's office is referring all inquiries into the status of Cardinal Laphroaig to the following statement issued by St. Ardbeg's Hospital for the Terminally Befuddled. Updates will be issued by the press office of the Hospital as events warrant.

St. Ardbeg's

LORD CHIEF JUSTICE REMOVED, CARDINAL LAPHROAIG MISSING
Wildest rumors fly as civil authorities reassert power

AN UNEASY CALM has descended upon Jamesonburgh after nightfall, as families huddle in fear inside their homes. The streets are deserted, and not even the Knights of Malt -- omnipresent a few hours ago -- are to be seen. The last embers of the bonfires set by the knights still cast an eerie glow throughout the lifeless town, and dead bodies lie in many a dark corner amongst the staves of shattered casks.

It is reported that the civil authorities are back in control after this afternoon's unrest. Lord Chief Justice McCheney has been removed from his post and the writs of assistance and general warrants issued by him declared void. Officially, the Lord Chief Justice's sudden removal had nothing to do with his controversial decisions, but was simply due to his having accepted an appointment as the United Nation's new Commissioner for Human Rights. A government press release in fact hailed Lord McCheney as "this country's best Chief Justice in History" and praised his "intellectual ability and moral flexibility."

More troubling are reports that Cardinal Laphroaig --the public face of this afternoon's energetic repression -- has disappeared. The wildest rumors are connected with his absence, some even claiming that His Eminence was in fact a secret devotee of blended malts and has fled to a rebel monastery in the Hebrides. Several eyewitnesses also claim to have seen Cardinal Laphroaig being transported to St. Ardbeg's Hospital in a blacked-out ambulance. At this time, however, it is impossible to corroborate any of these reports.

Archbishop Jock Glenmorangie has assumed acting authority until Cardinal Laphroaig can be located. Monsignor Glenmorangie is known as a reformer, and his rapid appointment has been taken as a sign that the Caledonian Conclave is eager for compromise in the wake of today's unrest. He has expressed his eagerness to return control to the civil authorities, along with his respect for church - state separation. "The Conclave is above all a congregation of the faithful, and has never desired to interefere in purely political matters. I will willingly cooperate with the government in reassuring the population that recent abuses will not be repeated." Monsignor Glenmorangie even mentioned that "some of his best friends drink blended malts."

More reports will be filed as the news develops.

ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!

Sketchy reports are beginning to arrive in newsrooms around the city concerning a mass assault on Jamesonburgh by the Knights of Malt. Personally supervised by Cardinal Laphroaig, the Knights are rousting entire families from their homes in the middle of the night and ransacking cellars in search of adulterated whiskies. Families - fathers, mothers and even children - are being rounded up and drowned in barrels of contraband blended-malt. Some accounts indicate that bystanders have reported barrels of the banned liquor being trucked into neighborhoods and planted in basements for Knights to 'discover.'

The mayor of Jamesonburgh has protested to His Eminence's superiors and efforts are being made to contact the Cardinal for clarification of this pogrom against the rebel community. The Caledonian Conclave vehemently denies these reports and urges people to remain calm as the situation develops and reports continue to arrive: "We believe fully in the integrity of His Eminence and trust the discretion and honor of the Order of the Knights of Malt. No one under the authority of this Conclave could be responsible for the reprehensible behavior falsely reported by trouble-makers and heretics hidden amongst our faithful followers. We ask that true believers in the Spirit deny this gossip when and wherever it is repeated."

CONCLAVE TO ASSUME CIVIL AUTHORITY UNTIL ORDER RESTORED
Knights of Malt to Take Over Police Powers

Lord Chief Justice McCheney


THE RECENT CIVIL UNREST, caused by an upsurge of blended-whisky sales during the holiday season, has led the Caledonian Conclave to recommend radical measures to help stamp out the spreading fire of heresy. With the full backing of the lawfully elected authorities and several prominent distillers, his Eminence Cardinal Laphroaig has assumed full executive power until such time as order is restored. Lord Chief Justice McCheney has already issued numerous general warrants and writs of assistance, authorising the Knights of Malt to assume police powers and search homes for impure or adulterated spirits.

In the words of the Lord Chief Justice himself, "these measures are a no-brainer." He went on to explain that "any spirits that the Knights decide to be heretical will be thrown into bonfires and their owners punished to the fullest extent of the law -- and even beyond." Due Process will be protected, however: any complaint can be submitted in Latin and in triplicate between Wednesday and Thursday of next week to a panel of politically beholden, doddering old judges appointed by Cardinal Laphroaig. Cases will be heard at undisclosed locations without press intervention at times determined at the whim of the justices. "We will stand down when the civil authorities stand up," reassured his Eminence.

The Conclave urges the civilian population to be calm and cooperate to the fullest extent, and to turn up at their local offices at the earliest opportunity to take an oath of loyalty to the Conclave and receive the stamp of Conclave protection. We hope that the authority of the One True Spirit will soon be restored.

Happy Christmas,

Fr. Dougal, Conclave Spokesman

Open Letter by Cardinal Laphroaig to the Caledonian Conclave, Opus Barlei, and the Knights of Malt.

The following letter appears in the October edition of Moved by the Spirit, the well-known religious magazine available at all reputable dram-shops. It is reprinted here verbatim as a public service to all faithful.

Cathedral of St. Talisker by-the-Bog, 22 September 2006

Dearest Brothers and Sisters,

It is with the utmost sincerity and in a spirit of openness and communion that I take up the pen to address you in these fractious times. I am aware that my elevation to Cardinal has taken many by surprise, and pernicious rumors have been spread as a result. My election has been credited to the covert support of the Knights of Malt—a most holy and peaceful order whose devotion to the Spirit has never before been questioned. Hints have been made of collusion between our brothers of Opus Barlei and the Hibernian separatists—whose tendency to worship a triple-distilled concoction, claimed by some to be a manifestation of the Spirit, has long since been dismissed as mere idolatry. None of these rumors are true, and I reaffirm my commitment to dialogue with all branches and orders of our faith.

Openness, communion, and dialogue: these shall be my guiding principles as our faith navigates the treacherous shoals that lie ahead. But by openness, I do not mean foolish credulity. By communion, I do not mean collusion with heretics. And by dialogue, I do not mean abject submission. You are of course aware, dear brothers and sisters, that the College of Cardinals is currently engaged in a vigorous scholarly debate on ecumenism. Throughout that debate, I will vigorously challenge our brethren to remain true to the Spirit, to ignore the lure of modernism and ephemeral trends, and to seek the true ecumenism: that which will lead those who are lost to find the one true Spirit. Such is the task that lies ahead, and I know that I can count on your faithful support.

Spiritum Laudamus,

Laphroaig

Official Press Release from Father Coylumbridge, Press Secretary for the College of Cardinals:

The College of Cardinals is deeply disappointed by the reproduction of a patently false 'correspondence' between the newly appointed Cardinal Laphroaig and the so-called Knights of Malt. The Caledonian Conclave has failed in its responsibility to support our august body and has cast false aspersions on its spiritual rigour and authenticity. We have sent a strongly worded letter of protest to the Brothers of the Monastery of Malt and have demanded a retraction. The Brothers, whom we deeply love and respect for their work in the Spirit, have been traduced and will, we believe, return to the fold as soon as they realize their error. Until then we continue to pray for them and listen for the urgings of the Spirit.

We ask all followers of the Spirit to remain steadfast and true. Our investigations into the ecumenicism of all Spirits will continue thoughtfully and carefully and we ask your patience during this difficult time.

The College of Cardinals

The following is a reprint of the text of a letter from Cardinal Laphroaig to the Grand Master of the Knights of Malt.

Dearest Friend,

I am deeply indebted to you and your fellow knights for the, shall we say, subtle influence you wielded to encourage the College of Cardinals to grant my nomination. We who are the true defenders of the Spirit are in accord as to the goals we must pursue to maintain the Truth.

As you yourself have revealed, the College has become unsettled and has begun to stray from true faith in the Spirit; this must be stopped and the damage repaired.

For centuries the Knights have charted the path of true righteousness under the direction of the Spirit. Have I not myself seen and heard the discussions, attended the conclaves and committed myself to the goals of your Order? My own secret membership in the Knights, which would put me in direct opposition to the College were it known, attests to my commitment to our shared ideals. We follow the same path.

I believe that after a millenia of careful planning and hard work success may be within our grasp.

Many members of the College have confided in me that they are unhappy with the direction their august body has taken. They, like us, believe that only the perfection of the Spirit is acceptable and the ecumenical approach to so-called 'pure' and 'blended' malts is unseemly and heretical. You know my work as the Grand Inquisitor of the Monastery of Malt sometimes made me the unhappy target of the unholy who would adulterate that which we hold sacred. I believe my persecutions, as minimal as they may have been, were in the best cause possible; my scars are my glory.

I must end here, however abruptly. The College has scheduled my investiture for this hour and I must present myself for formal approval.

Please meet me at the appointed hour at St. Ardbeg's. The robust monks there, however prone they may be to shedding their robes at the slightest provocation, are our friends and will share with us a dram of the Spirit while we plan our movements within the College. These are troubled times dear friend and we must work assiduously to serve the Spirit.

Your brother in arms,

Laphroaig

The following is an internal memo leaked from the Administrative arm of the Knights of Malt. Guardians of the Caledonian Conclave disavow any claims to the accuracy or truth of the contents.

"Dear Brother Knights,

We have an historic opportunity to place within the College of Cardinals one with whom we can agree in thought, spirit and deed. The Most Reverend Father Laphroaig may be elected to the College if we suggest to the proper individuals our support for such an election. But we must act quickly.

Clearly the character of the College has been sullied by those who would advocate an ecumenical approach to the Spirit, which is a position untenable to those who believe as we do. The election of the Most Reverend Father would be our opportunity to purge the College of such elements. Our support for Father Laphroaig must be of another sort, however. No word of our true intentions must reach the advocates who would bring the nomination to the full College. They mustn't know of our desire to replace soft, or impure, members with those who agree with our position regarding the purity of the Spirit. We must encourage the College, quietly, to anoint Father Laphroaig as one who will assist the members in their efforts to broaden or, in our minds, dilute the great truth.

We believe that with the election of our ally, the College can be re-aligned with the Knights. Politically (a word which we loathe, but see the need for) this would give us the opportunity to influence the Holy Father and bring the ranks of the Laity back into true communion with the Spirit. We believe this is the only way for true believers. All others are heretics.

Don't be swayed by those who believe that the Spirit may include the blended or so-called 'pure' malts. This too is a heresy. They will argue passionately, but you must turn a deaf ear to their entreaties. The way of the Spirit demands it.

Each of us has contacts within the College who will listen to us. Please encourage those sympathetic to the Knights to elect Father Laphroaig to this venerable College. This is a rare and important opportunity to move the Cardinals into alignment with our historic goals. Many years have passed as we have made our plans to plot the path of the Body - our time is now.

Do not let this moment pass.

Spiritum Laudamus

The College of Cardinals is pleased to announce the promotion of the Most Reverend Father Laphroaig, Grand Inquisitor of the Caledonian Conclave, to the position of Blessed Cardinal. The College, aware of Father Laphroaig's profound commitment to the purity of the Spirit, have chosen to add his name to the rolls of those who defend the Faith and give advice and comfort to our Holy Father.

Father Laphroaig has shown himself worthy of the title through his efforts to maintain the holiness of the bretheren and demonstrate through word and deed the straight and narrow way that leads to true sanctification. The College applauds the Most Reverend Father and looks forward to his contributions to the work of the Spirit.

SAINT CRAGGANMORE the Mature drawing the Sacred Dram and testing for the Purity of the Spirit.

ON THIS DAY in the Year of the Spirit two-thousand and six, the Caledonian Conclave is happy to report that the Brother Cellarer of the Monastery of Malt has at long last returned from arduous foreign travels in heathen lands. He has brought back with him a priceless treasure that shall forever proclaim the glory of this most blessed Order: the holy relics of Saint Strathisla, which shall forevermore lie in the Monastery Church. The relics, wich were liberated thanks to the active assistance of those crusading saints, the Knights of Malt, were presented late last night to our Brothers, who were transported by the holy experience of this sainted dram, dating from the early ages of the distillery and before its recent much-lamented mothballing and resurrection.

BUT THE BLESSINGS that have recently befallen our Order do not end here. The blessed Brother Cellarer has also procured the holy water of Saint Cragganmore the Mature, patron saint of the Opus Barlei. The florid monks of that order, moved by the Spirit after a communal feast, and basking in the afterglow of His warmth, have conveyed a flagon of twelve-year-old double-matured Uisge Beatha to our chapter house, where the assembled community will meet again this evening.

Spiritum Laudamus,
Fr. Keith

The Congregation of Saint Peat's has the function of promoting and safeguarding the true expression of the Spirit throughout the world. In accomplishing this purpose, it renders a service to the truth, by protecting the right of the people to receive the Spirit in its purity and entirety, free from corrupting heresies. Therefore, in order that the Spirit may be enjoyed free from adulteration, every Brother shall have the following duties:

I. In the first place, to love the Spirit with his entire heart, his entire soul, his entire strength.
II. To receive the Spirit in its purest expression, as the mystical combination of the elements of water, barley, and peat.
III. To shun the heresies that seek to dilute the Spirit and drown its true expression, masking its true strength.
IV. To share in the Spirit communally with his Brothers.
V. To not covet another Brother's Spirit, but to rejoice in the variety of its manifestations.
VI. To not bear false witness against any Spirit, but to honestly and fully bear witness to the True Spirit.
VII. To become a stranger to the ways of the false Spirit, known as "pure" or "blended" malt.
VIII. To receive the Spirit only in the presence of those nourishments which serve to magnify the wonder of its glorious gifts.
IX. To teach and convey the glory of the True Spirit to those who dwell in darkness.
X. To enjoy the Spirit with a good cigar.

Saint Peat the Indulgent
Monastery of Malt, A.D. DCLXVIII

Report from Extraordinary Plenary Session of the Conclave:

The Caledonian Conclave, deeply saddened by urgent reports of rampant heresy among professed brothers of our Order, held an extraordinary session on this day in order to consider which methods should be adopted to contain this most disturbing trend. The Most Reverend Father Laphroaig, Grand Inquisitor of our Order, presided over this solemn assembly. Among the several heresies considered were the so-called "blended scotch" school of thought, and the especially pernicious "pure malt" sect.

After a spirited debate between the several members of our chapter, it was resolved that only the most forceful measures would adequately protect the true expression of the Spirit against the false teachings of these heretical sects. The sect known as "blended scotch," because it perpetrates the worst and most intense perversion of the true nature of the Spirit, will be dealt with most severely. Anyone of our brothers convicted of owing allegiance to that apostasy, will be cast out of our Order. Because the "pure malt" sect represents an especially subtle and insidious attack upon the true nature of the Spirit, it will be dealt with through rigorous teaching and monitoring. Every one of our brothers will be required to know and recognize the inherent falsehood of that expression.

Grand Inquisitor, the Most Reverend Father Laphroaig, expressed himself satisfied with these initial measures, although expressing his profound worry that their leniency might prove insufficient to stamp out the danger to our Order. He suggested that something lingering, with boiling oil in it, might prove more appropriate. It was, therefore, resolved that the conclave should reconvene in a month in order to consider the initial effect of these new measures.

Spiritum Laudamus
Fr. Islay, Official Conclave Recorder

The monastery of Malt, also known as St. Peat's where the Little Brothers of Barley wait upon the Spirit. 

Latest Report of Conclave Proceedings:

The Caledonian Conclave held a plenary session this Memorial Day weekend in order to conduct some rather important business. The most pressing matter on the agenda was to engage in an official tasting of the latest Conclave purchase: a bottle of The Dalmore Cigar Malt, whisky previously untested by this august body.

The unanimous opinion of the Conclave was that this is indeed an underrated single malt. A beautiful dark orange color and a unique sherryish aroma are its most striking features. A smooth round body and a surprisingly long finish (reminiscent of hot toffee) were an agreeable complement to a game of Go in which our own Bishop of Bowmore and Cardinal Cragganmore were then engaged.

As the evening wore on, it was decided that a small dram of Talisker would agreeably cap a productive session. The contrast between the smooth sherryish Dalmore and the peppery Talisker was striking. The Conclave closed its meeting agreeing that more detailed tasting notes for these and other malts should soon be posted here.

Whisky Syndicate Purchases

1) Highland Park

2) Cragganmore

3) Laphroaig

4) Bowmore

5) Talisker

6) Dalmore

7) Glenlivet

8) Double-Matured Distiller's Special Cragganmore

9) Strathisla